Where I’ve BEEN.

I swear I really am going to keep up with this blog. 

I feel like I should talk and explain a bit more what I’m doing. I’ve done a lot of ShayLoss posts, but I haven’t had much of an explanation as to WHY I’m doing what I’m doing and WHAT exactly it is I’m doing. 
In my 19 years, I have never been “thin”. Never will be. My body type will always be “thick” or “big-boned” or “curvy” aka not petite. But genetically, gaining weight has never been a challenge. I have grown up watching my parents try every diet fad that comes out, and it affected me as well. When your parents are eating a certain way, it’s inevitable that the amount of food in the pantry will be limited to diet foods. Health was never a huge priority for me. I didn’t care either way. As a child and young teenager, I just ate what I wanted to and didn’t think much about it. 

When I was 12, we moved to Lubbock and got a gym membership and a personal trainer. It was the first time I’d ever really had activity in my life besides jumping on the trampoline and swimming. We didn’t keep up with the trainer very long, but have had the gym membership ever since. We would go every so often, but it wasn’t really being put to great use. 
I think it was my sophomore year when I weighed myself and saw I was around 180. I vowed that I would NEVER get to be 200 pounds. If I ever got to that point, I would IMMEDIATELY get my health/weight/life in check. 
Needless to say, 200 came and went with no notice. 
200 came around junior or senior year, and along with it, diet trends. My family and I tried everything to help us have a healthy lifestyle. We tried a horrendous starvation diet which would have worked to get the weight off, but never to maintain our goal sizes. We were going back and forth from it being a priority to be thin, to being to busy to keep up when it was so much easier to just give in to cravings. 
Truthfully, in looking back at photos from my childhood and high school, I don’t LOOK “fat”. Yes, I am not petite, but I don’t look grotesque. Judging by photos, junior year was a year I gained more of my weight. I definitely look bigger than my small classmates, but it’s more of a mental issue than anything else. 

All throughout high school I wore a 14/16 pretty consistently. Junior and senior years and on was when I graduated not only from school but from those sizes. But if we’re being completely honest, looking back at these pictures, I don’t LOOK disgusting. I may have felt it, but when I’m searching through Facebook to find “fat” pictures of myself, there weren’t any until last year. Yes, I may have gained weight and had to buy new clothes (ALWAYS a struggle and a discouragement) it was the fact that I FELT huge in comparison to my friends. 
My mom and best friends were those who always told me I was beautiful and not to stress out about my weight. But you can’t tell a teenaged girl that and expect her to believe it. It won’t happen. But seeing my past self in photos, I can see they were right. It wasn’t important, because I was happy. I may have not liked my body, but I still liked myself more than I did in my first year of college. 
College hit, and no matter how good or bad I was doing health-wise before, there was no way any good was going to come of a college meal plan. I am sure I gained, but I’m not sure how much. I’m going to guess that I gained 30 or 40 pounds during Freshman year.

Here was my first day. All moved in and no idea that I was about to blow up and look like an unhappy potato. 

Here’s me as a potato. A depressed potato. 
There were so many issues for me first year. I still don’t know what it was. Most likely I was just adjusted badly to the change of college, and my emotions weren’t in check. I was exhausted, lethargic, not really hungry, and constantly put myself down. Some girls do this because of a boy, but I emotionally abused myself. And it showed. 
I’ve heard people talk about punishing yourself with food, or killing yourself with food. That’s basically what I did. I wasn’t really any hungrier than usual, but the nutrition in the cafeteria was ZERO. Even the fruit was gross. So what did I have for every meal? Cheeseburgers and cookies. I was unhappy so I would have cookies and milk–comfort foods. 
Something no one knows about the spring semester is that I was afraid I was going to become suicidal. I thought about dying, WISHED I would die, but I had no courage to actually go through with it. If I didn’t kill myself, I at least wish I could self-harm. But I couldn’t. Not self-harm with cutting or something like that anyway. I DID self-harm with food, though. 
Depression is a dirty bastard. It makes you think things you would NEVER EVER in a million years think of. But when your brain isn’t firing right, things slip in there and it scares you. I was very scared all semester, even after I decided to come home for good. It was several weeks of being home where I was on my way to being better. 
So here we are. 20-30 pounds lighter, and emotionally better. I want to continue this in  second post where I talk about where I’m HEADED. So look for that this week. 🙂 I’ll also talk about exactly what I’m eating/doing and try to focus on that some. I’ve mentioned it in previous posts, but I’m all for condensing and putting it all in one post. 
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One thought on “Where I’ve BEEN.

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Hannah. It's never easy to share the hard places we've come from. I feel like I can relate to your story on so many levels, so thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I absolutely cannot wait to hear where you are going, because I know that you are headed for great things 🙂

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