Becoming the Person I WANT to Be. Not the person I HAVE BEEN.

In the recent past,  I haven’t been a nice person. I’ve pretty much been the worst kind of person. I’ve gone through some major times of self-hatred and doubted myself a lot. This has not just affected me, but has begun to affect others through me. I have been emotionally hurting myself, and began to hurt others with my selfishness, intolerance, and cruelty through my words.

When I left Hardin-Simmons, I thought everything at home would go back to “normal” (i.e. good ol’ high school days), and they didn’t. My friends had settled into their new college lives, new relationships, and became focused on their future. I, on the other hand, am looking ahead, but still trying to drag my old friends there with me. I got very hurt at the reality check I was hit with when I came home. While the months ahead of me are very bright and I have so much to look forward to, I have become very angry and bitter in the last several months, because I felt left behind. Everyone I care about is “on-track” in my mind. I came home and all but dropped out of school, and sunk down to the depths of a person I don’t like.

To me, I feel like a failure because I’m going to be at least a year behind all of my friends. And I don’t know what the future after the DCP has in store for me. I’m upset at myself for how I’ve been acting, and I’ve acted the way I have because I can’t control any thing about my life like I want to. I want all my high school friends to stay behind with me because I’m selfish, instead of praising their accomplishments and supporting them in their lives. I’ve been a bitch because I’ve only been thinking of myself, and it’s time to stop.

There are all these things in life I want to do. Things I want to be. And being a selfish bitch won’t get me there. It’s going to take me backwards. And saying mean things and talking about people behind their backs isn’t going to win friends and influence people. And it sure isn’t going to create lasting relationships. I’m sorry if I have every hurt you, because it isn’t the person I want to be. I don’t want to be the kind of person who hurts people. I want to heal people, encourage people, inspire people. I’ve been acting like a child, and for that I am very sorry. I’ve taken being strong and independent and turned it into the worst possible qualities that I don’t want. I don’t like that about myself, and it’s time for a change in heart.

From now on, I am going to use my words in person, texts, and social media for good. I’m going to use them as a source of education and encouragement. I want to share my life with you, but I don’t want my life to be hurtful to others. I want to be an open book to those who know me, but I want my pages to be uplifting and a light for those who read them. Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m admitting to you a big one that I have made this week. I’m using it as a chance to learn and grow as an adult, and I have been very wrong at how I have acted in the past.

I will mess up. You will mess up. But I hope that I can learn to become the person I tell people I want to be because of this past self. Please forgive me for being the way I have been. I don’t want to be that person. I wasn’t raised to be that person.

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