As I’ve mentioned a lot recently, I haven’t been myself. Call it depression or a funk, but I haven’t been me for a long time. A lot of factors have contributed to this, but more than anything else it’s been my internal voice that’s caused the most emotional turmoil. Lots of guilt, comparison, and not feeling worthy have played a big part in what’s been wrong. So I’ve been trying to change that.
I’ve made lots of changes physically, emotionally, and environmentally. One of the first things I did when I began to feel clearer was rearrange my room. Just changing the space that I spend so much time in made a big difference to my mental state. I’m trying to run more often to make me feel better physically and mentally. Even making a direct decision to wear makeup and look pretty helps a lot on days when I need that reflection of self-worth. (As a side note, I don’t believe that outward appearances mean shit, but sometimes it helps boost what’s inside. And vice versa.)
Not only have I made the changes in my mind by being more positive and not allowing my negative thoughts to have any presence in my life, I’ve tried to filter out that negativity other places. For me, that means unfollowing a lot of accounts on Twitter and Instagram (I unfollowed over 700 accounts on IG last night until they blocked my access to unfollow for a week). I also deleted a lot of people from my Facebook.
Social Media breeds comparison and resentment of others because of how they present their lives. At least it did for me. I saw how people online present only part of their lives (the good part) and it made me jealous. Because of what I have been going through recently, I wanted to have the happy life my Facebook friends had. Of course, most people have evolved to be smart enough to only post the good, keeping the negative to themselves. Still, I spent a lot of time feeling as though I need validation from all the people I’m friends with on Facebook. I compared my photo or status success with others’ and I felt a lot of pressure because of it.
I don’t feel that kind of pressure from Twitter or Instagram or Tumblr. For one reason or another, Facebook did something different to me. Because of this, I’m reeling back on my usage of the site. You probably still notice me there, but I don’t post much other than links to my blog. I haven’t quite broken the habit of needing to check my feed, but I have broken myself of posting everything, seeking attention for every photo and thought. That’s what my blog is for.
I would very much like a good audience for this platform. That’s my end goal. But I’m not comparing my blog to others that have been writing and growing for years. Everything I would need my friends and family to know, I will text them about. If it’s insanely important to my own growth, I’ll write about it here.
For a long time I thought I had to add every person I ever met on Facebook. I’ve learned in the past few years that it isn’t necessary. I have a little over 100 “friends”, and I still feel as though I have a social obligation to some of them. Others I have a genuine desire to have their presence, even if we haven’t seen each other in years; I enjoy the content they post. I enjoy having my closest friends and family to keep up with what they’re doing and to be able to post links and photos to share with them. But I realized I only want to be surrounded by those that I am comfortable around. I don’t want to compare myself to others anymore. I don’t need that right now while I’m doing so well.
I feel like Facebook is bragging ground. Am I playing into that when I post links to my writing? Maybe. But I’m not asking anyone to read it by posting it to my accounts. I don’t even need the validation of a comment or a like. I just want to share my thoughts and feelings from every part of my life; I want to be honest about the good and the bad during my journey. That’s why I wanted to blog: I want to share my life and my reactions to it.