I Want My Own Family (A Post About Love, Loss, and Want)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be married. Ever since I was 7 years old, I’ve known how to take care of someone. When my mom was pregnant with my sister she taught me how to do laundry and take care of a home, and I’ve always loved cooking and can follow any recipe. I was ready to get married even before I had any romantic prospects, because I’ve felt inside that I want more than anything to be a wife. Just like those girls who know from birth that they’re meant to be mothers, I’m meant to be someone’s wife.

I’m very lucky to have grown up with two incredible parents who gave me a wonderful and positive example of married life. Their relationship isn’t perfect, but they worked with such great teamwork and partnership that I strive to be like that. I saw a lot of my parents in the relationship between Jay and I in the beginning. We had effortless chemistry, equality in our interactions, and strong communication. Not to mention undying devotion.

I dream heavily of living in a small home or apartment with the man I marry and a few dogs. To me, having a “house” isn’t important. Apartments are more quaint and less hassle anyway. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the feeling of being in a house when I would go visit Jay. I would very much like the “American Dream” white picket fence home. That’s a big dream that I would be eternally blessed to have. But Home is wherever the Love of my life is. I’ve been thinking about my future family since I was 14. I’ve had a board on Pinterest of “Meals I Will Cook For My Husband” for almost that long.

When I think of my own “family,” I don’t see children. I never have seen myself being a mother and I don’t think I ever will.  Having a family doesn’t have to include procreating. I admire the people who choose to be mothers. My best friend, for example, has had baby fever for as long as I’ve known her. I think that’s absolutely great. It isn’t the life I want for myself. So much so, that the thought of going through Tubal Litigation (having my tubes tied) has had a very serious presence in my mind when I think of the future. There are too many other opportunities to be a part of a child’s life without giving birth to them. I’ve joked about my dog being my child. But honestly that’s enough for me. To have a husband and a few dogs and live happily together is my ideal future.

While I am a strong, independent woman, I have the deepest desire to create a home and have a strong partnership with the man I love. Because of this, I love very hard. Apparently too hard. Coming across as “needy” is something I’ve always wanted to avoid, but my passion for spending time with the Love of My Life was taken the wrong way. Being in a relationship isn’t what defines my happiness, but if I learned anything through my almost-seven months with Jay, it was that I discovered a new form of happiness when I had another person in my life to care for.

Similar to that moment that mothers talk about, you’ve never known true happiness until you look into the eyes of someone you love. You can be a whole person before you meet that person, but being with them creates another part of you; they add to who you are. Being together feeds that piece you gave each other and it grows and grows with every moment you have as “Us.”

What hurts more than anything is when that piece stops growing. What happens next is even more painful: losing it forever. That part of you that grew with the love you shared is suddenly ripped from your very soul with no warning. You’re blindsided by the comments made both by you and the one you thought was The One. Things you never even wanted as fleeting thoughts are spouted out by you and your Love. The person you thought could never hurt you has done so much more than that–they tore out what the two of you had cultivated together.

The pain is enough to make you want to die. You feel like you’ve failed. All the reasons you have to blame yourself and the other person are boiling inside as you dry-heave in your bed through tears at the betrayal of the words that have been said. At this point you feel like you’re not complete, and you would be right. For so long you grew part of their soul in your heart and it added to the wholeness you had before you met them. With their love went that piece that made up “Us.” After your heart stops hurting, you are still whole. You’re just the kind of whole you were before you fell in love.

It feels like growing your hair out for a long time and then getting a drastic haircut. You’re used to the weight being there. You try to pull it back and there’s not enough there; you’re used to using way more shampoo than you actually need. You’ve had this style before, but it’s been so long you forgot what it was like. It doesn’t change anything, it just takes time.

Through this excruciating heartbreak of losing my first Love, I got a small taste of what it will be like to have my own family. For a short time, Jay, Fiona, and Watson were part of the family I have with Twix. I called Fi and Wats my “Stepdogs” and did the best I could to take care of Jay. Making dinner for the two of us felt so right. Feeling him breathing beside me at night and rubbing his back until he fell asleep brought me more happiness than I ever knew was possible. The scar tissue on his shoulder that he was so self-conscious about was one of my favorite things about him. I couldn’t wait for him to wake up because I was so excited for Dragon Breath kisses. I loved drinking our coffee together in the morning before he had to kick me out and rush to work. For almost seven months I got to have my very own Home with him.

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Watching movies with Jay and Watson

As much as I want to apologize for loving “too much” and I will admit to needing time with him, I’m not sorry at all. He made me happy when skies were grey. Unfortunately for us, they were grey a lot, and I sought out contact with him because it made me feel better. To me, it was better. To him, I brought a lot of extra stress and negativity that he already had in his life. Mistakes were made and things were said (and not said) and my Family fell apart.

I will never be sorry for wanting that family bond with someone. Because of Jay, my desire to be a wife is only strengthened. I know I’m good at that role, partially because he told me so, and also because it felt right in my heart. I felt as though a part of me that I had always known was there finally got to be expressed. I got to spend time playing house and running errands with him and plucking stray hairs from his face. But apparently it still isn’t time for me yet.

Although we aren’t “Us” anymore and we aren’t even friends, I still love him with all of my heart. I think I will for a very long time. He was a lot of firsts for me, but he was definitely the first to make me realize how much I need my own family. He gave me that hint of Forever that I want so badly. I thought it would be with him, because, in the beginning, he told me he wanted that with me too. But as circumstances changed, so did “Us.”

I’ll get my family. For now it’s just me and Twix again. I’ve got my wonderful roommates to love on and I’ll always have my amazing mom, dad, and sister who are just a few hours drive away. These people all love me more than I think I’ll ever know. I’ve got wonderful friends who are always there for me as I am for them. There’s a lot of extended Family that I want to keep close forever. Someday I’ll fall in love and never have to feel this pain again.

What Does it Mean to Be Healthy?

I’ve written a lot of posts about rebooting my health goals. Like, a lot. Like here, here, also here, and you get the picture. It’s not that I just stop caring about my health; it just gets hard. Even when I stop eating what’s good for me or lower my activity level, I’m constantly thinking about how good I felt. But let’s be honest with ourselves: “health” isn’t just diet and exercise.

I’ve done a lot of diets and workouts and weigh-ins and measuring and counting. That’s great if that’s what you want or need. To me, my health is not defined by numbers anymore. It also isn’t just about food. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

What does “healthy” mean to me?

  • not biting my nails
  • keeping a consistent schedule
  • hydration
  • not eating only junk food
  • raising my activity level
  • giving myself love and grace
  • not hitting the snooze button

These don’t sound like the epitome of health, do they? But listen, they’re all steps. Having scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast is better than ice cream (I may or may not have done that yesterday) and even opting out of my daily soda at lunch is a step to making my body happier. Making a turkey sandwich for work instead of stopping by McDonalds saves calories and money–a two-for-one deal!

I’ve never been a “snoozer.” I don’t know what happened recently (actually I do), but I don’t want to get out of bed when I have to. I reset my alarm for a later time and get ready for work at the last minute. I always feel so much better when I just get up and start my day, plus I get to have time to write before work.

Like I said, my health is not defined by numbers. I don’t need to lose a certain number of pounds or eat a certain amount of calories or run this many miles a week. That puts too much pressure and anxiety on me if I don’t meet those numbers. I see nothing wrong with people who need those numeric goals, it definitely works. But that isn’t the best way to motivate me personally. My Fitbit step goal is really the only number I care about.

I’m so incredibly proud of the race medals I’ve earned. Even though I didn’t do as well as I wanted, running a half marathon or a 5k is a huge achievement for anyone. It’s like the quote that says, “No matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping everyone on the couch.” And that’s what I want for myself. Running is so rewarding to me, and after running (mostly walking) a half marathon last November, I got a little taste of the person I could be. I didn’t train like I had wanted to, and that is my biggest regret as far as my health goes. If I could comfortably run three or four miles, that would mean everything to me to be able to work harder for longer races.

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Last night, Enthusiasm asked me how badly I want to meet my goals. It made me think a lot about my past attempts. I won’t call them “failed,” but they were forgotten. Disney costumes are so unflattering, and I’m tired of looking down and seeing my stomach in the pants I wear at work. I know how to dress my body on my own time, but I want to feel better at work. I don’t want to hate myself or feel down about myself for one emotional reason or another. I want pretty fingernails again. I want to be happy and energetic again. Diet, activity, mindset, and consistency are all equal factors to finding peace with myself and my health.

Being healthy, both emotionally and physically, is hard. Creating and keeping healthy habits takes time, but I know just as well as anyone else that it’s so incredibly worth it. So here I am, starting again. I’m picking up where I left off with my health and doing my best to make a better physical and emotional situation for myself.

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 8 Predictions

If you were to drop by my apartment unexpectedly, you would probably catch my roommates and I watching RuPaul’s Drag Race…for the hundredth time. Seasons 4-7 are currently on Hulu and we can’t seem to stop watching. I honestly couldn’t tell you how many times we have watched these four seasons back to back. As soon as we finish season seven, we start all over again. We know the challenges like we know our own birthdates.

Last night, the season 8 queens were announced. We gathered around Chris’s laptop and watched their introduction videos on LogoTV’s website. I’m so incredibly excited for the season to start March 7! The website wasn’t fully loading all the videos, but we got to see most of the queens’ videos and already have a pretty good idea of who we think will win.

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Our season 8 queens.

I think the 50’s/60’s theme they have going on is adorable, but I look forward to seeing the personal styles of each queen once the season starts. Here are my thoughts on the newest batch of drag queens to grace the main stage in order of who I think will (or should) go home first based on their introduction videos.

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Naomi Smalls

Someone has to go home first, and I think she will be the first or second to go home this season. She just seems so boring, I don’t think she’ll last very long on the show.

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Cynthia Lee Fontain

The poor Puerto Rican queens. Cynthia is tied with Naomi for me with first or second to go home. She’s pretty and classy, but I feel like she’ll go home in the first few episodes.

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Acid Betty

First impression of Acid Betty: she needs more foundation. And blending. It’s like she wants to do makeup like Bianca Del Rio or Trixie Mattel, but isn’t succeeding. She also looks like a mix of Tempest DuJour and Laganga Estranga. As much as I would like to see her go home earlier, I think Ru will keep her on at least through the beginning to see what she does. I’ll admit I’m curious too. But I’m not impressed yet.

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Naysha Lopez

I actually really like Naysha. I think she’s absolutely beautiful. But I think she’ll be one of the next to go if she only does pretty.

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Chi Chi DeVayne

I already want her gone. But I sense that she’ll keep a lot of drama and do a good runway so she’ll stick around a while. I don’t like her attitude at all and definitely hope she goes home sooner.

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Dax Exclamationpoint

My first impression was that I wasn’t going to like her. But within seconds of her interview I was sold. Sadly, I don’t think she’ll make it near the top. I hope she does, though. She reminds me Dida Ritz. She’s so funny and I think she has plenty of Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent that RuPaul looks for. Chi Chi may even outlast her.

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Thorgy Thor

I think Thorgy is super fun, but I don’t think she’ll be in the top 3 at all. I look forward to seeing how she does in the competition and her personality in her runway looks.

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Robbie Turner

I like Robbie a lot. She seems a lot like Jinx Monsoon (they’re best friends, so that makes sense) but without as much crazy. I think she’ll be more well-liked than Jinx was. I feel like I’ll enjoy her style, but not sure if she’ll break from it and show the judges who she is outside of her vintage dress to make it much further.

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Kim Chi

Kim is adorable (despite her lisp, but that’s an accent and second language thing I’m sure). She seems to be one of the more popular pick amongst past queens. I think she’ll do very well and might possibly make it to top three if Laila doesn’t. She also said in her introduction that she wants to win the money so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about paying extra for guac at Chipotle. Me too, girl. Me too.

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Laila McQueen

I’m already in love with her. She’s like a mix of Violet Chachki and Adore Delano and I want everything to do with her. I’d love for her to win so badly and think she’ll at least be top three or four.

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Derrick Berry

I didn’t know how I’d feel about Derrick since she’s a Britney Spears impersonator. I don’t care much about Britney, but after seeing the introduction, I like Derrick a lot. Hopefully she does a good job of showing a side to her other than Britney, and I think she will. Definitely one of the queens to beat if she can do that. But she may be a little bit of a Courtney Act and let it go to her head. We’ll see.

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Bob the Drag Queen

Obsessed. That’s the only word I have about Bob. I need her in my life on the daily. I hope she wins. No doubt in my mind that she’ll make it to the top three. She was one of biggest personalities in the introduction videos and I’m so excited to watch her specifically this season.

While taking a break to talk with my roommates, Cody and I started rating the queens. He said, “We need a Fantasy Football thing for this!” I said, “I’m literally writing a blog post about that very thing right now.” I beat him to it. We’re so incredibly excited for March 7 to see how the show goes! Again, I look forward to seeing everyone’s style and personalities come out, and I’m sure at that point I’ll change my mind about who I think will go home when. But from first impression, these are my thoughts.