For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be married. Ever since I was 7 years old, I’ve known how to take care of someone. When my mom was pregnant with my sister she taught me how to do laundry and take care of a home, and I’ve always loved cooking and can follow any recipe. I was ready to get married even before I had any romantic prospects, because I’ve felt inside that I want more than anything to be a wife. Just like those girls who know from birth that they’re meant to be mothers, I’m meant to be someone’s wife.
I’m very lucky to have grown up with two incredible parents who gave me a wonderful and positive example of married life. Their relationship isn’t perfect, but they worked with such great teamwork and partnership that I strive to be like that. I saw a lot of my parents in the relationship between Jay and I in the beginning. We had effortless chemistry, equality in our interactions, and strong communication. Not to mention undying devotion.
I dream heavily of living in a small home or apartment with the man I marry and a few dogs. To me, having a “house” isn’t important. Apartments are more quaint and less hassle anyway. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the feeling of being in a house when I would go visit Jay. I would very much like the “American Dream” white picket fence home. That’s a big dream that I would be eternally blessed to have. But Home is wherever the Love of my life is. I’ve been thinking about my future family since I was 14. I’ve had a board on Pinterest of “Meals I Will Cook For My Husband” for almost that long.
When I think of my own “family,” I don’t see children. I never have seen myself being a mother and I don’t think I ever will. Having a family doesn’t have to include procreating. I admire the people who choose to be mothers. My best friend, for example, has had baby fever for as long as I’ve known her. I think that’s absolutely great. It isn’t the life I want for myself. So much so, that the thought of going through Tubal Litigation (having my tubes tied) has had a very serious presence in my mind when I think of the future. There are too many other opportunities to be a part of a child’s life without giving birth to them. I’ve joked about my dog being my child. But honestly that’s enough for me. To have a husband and a few dogs and live happily together is my ideal future.
While I am a strong, independent woman, I have the deepest desire to create a home and have a strong partnership with the man I love. Because of this, I love very hard. Apparently too hard. Coming across as “needy” is something I’ve always wanted to avoid, but my passion for spending time with the Love of My Life was taken the wrong way. Being in a relationship isn’t what defines my happiness, but if I learned anything through my almost-seven months with Jay, it was that I discovered a new form of happiness when I had another person in my life to care for.
Similar to that moment that mothers talk about, you’ve never known true happiness until you look into the eyes of someone you love. You can be a whole person before you meet that person, but being with them creates another part of you; they add to who you are. Being together feeds that piece you gave each other and it grows and grows with every moment you have as “Us.”
What hurts more than anything is when that piece stops growing. What happens next is even more painful: losing it forever. That part of you that grew with the love you shared is suddenly ripped from your very soul with no warning. You’re blindsided by the comments made both by you and the one you thought was The One. Things you never even wanted as fleeting thoughts are spouted out by you and your Love. The person you thought could never hurt you has done so much more than that–they tore out what the two of you had cultivated together.
The pain is enough to make you want to die. You feel like you’ve failed. All the reasons you have to blame yourself and the other person are boiling inside as you dry-heave in your bed through tears at the betrayal of the words that have been said. At this point you feel like you’re not complete, and you would be right. For so long you grew part of their soul in your heart and it added to the wholeness you had before you met them. With their love went that piece that made up “Us.” After your heart stops hurting, you are still whole. You’re just the kind of whole you were before you fell in love.
It feels like growing your hair out for a long time and then getting a drastic haircut. You’re used to the weight being there. You try to pull it back and there’s not enough there; you’re used to using way more shampoo than you actually need. You’ve had this style before, but it’s been so long you forgot what it was like. It doesn’t change anything, it just takes time.
Through this excruciating heartbreak of losing my first Love, I got a small taste of what it will be like to have my own family. For a short time, Jay, Fiona, and Watson were part of the family I have with Twix. I called Fi and Wats my “Stepdogs” and did the best I could to take care of Jay. Making dinner for the two of us felt so right. Feeling him breathing beside me at night and rubbing his back until he fell asleep brought me more happiness than I ever knew was possible. The scar tissue on his shoulder that he was so self-conscious about was one of my favorite things about him. I couldn’t wait for him to wake up because I was so excited for Dragon Breath kisses. I loved drinking our coffee together in the morning before he had to kick me out and rush to work. For almost seven months I got to have my very own Home with him.
As much as I want to apologize for loving “too much” and I will admit to needing time with him, I’m not sorry at all. He made me happy when skies were grey. Unfortunately for us, they were grey a lot, and I sought out contact with him because it made me feel better. To me, it was better. To him, I brought a lot of extra stress and negativity that he already had in his life. Mistakes were made and things were said (and not said) and my Family fell apart.
I will never be sorry for wanting that family bond with someone. Because of Jay, my desire to be a wife is only strengthened. I know I’m good at that role, partially because he told me so, and also because it felt right in my heart. I felt as though a part of me that I had always known was there finally got to be expressed. I got to spend time playing house and running errands with him and plucking stray hairs from his face. But apparently it still isn’t time for me yet.
Although we aren’t “Us” anymore and we aren’t even friends, I still love him with all of my heart. I think I will for a very long time. He was a lot of firsts for me, but he was definitely the first to make me realize how much I need my own family. He gave me that hint of Forever that I want so badly. I thought it would be with him, because, in the beginning, he told me he wanted that with me too. But as circumstances changed, so did “Us.”
I’ll get my family. For now it’s just me and Twix again. I’ve got my wonderful roommates to love on and I’ll always have my amazing mom, dad, and sister who are just a few hours drive away. These people all love me more than I think I’ll ever know. I’ve got wonderful friends who are always there for me as I am for them. There’s a lot of extended Family that I want to keep close forever. Someday I’ll fall in love and never have to feel this pain again.